So for the past 3 months, Robin has been going to chemotherapy every other week. We figured out the cycle of “chemo” life and the week after chemo is crap. It’s major fatigue, major mouth sores, major stomach being tied up in a huge knot and teetering on the brink of nausea. That stuff is bad enough, but it is also the catalyst for impatience, anger, and depression. Watching someone you love suffer tends to put a huge damper on your patience. It also inspires a feeling of helplessness. This isn’t like the flu, or a cold, where you feel miserable for a few days, but then recover. This is the reality that you are going to feel like crap for the next year or more, guaranteed. Our son (he’s 7) was riding to the store with Robin yesterday and he was excited about getting something from the store (usually a small Lego Star Wars kit). He took his mom’s hand and said, “Mom, I don’t want any toys for Christmas this year, I just want you to be alive.” Robin and I were talking the other day and she started crying because she noticed her right arm is very similar to her left and she’s worried that the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes on her other side now. I haven’t been sleeping well at all (2 to 3 hours a night) because this all weighs heavy on my heart. People ask all the time, “How are you doing” and the typical response is “we’re good!”. Honestly, I don’t tell them the truth because I don’t want to lose it and start sobbing right there in front of them. This is where we are at; this is where I’M at.
I was talking to a friend this morning and likened it to being in a sailboat on the ocean in a dead calm. I KNOW the wind is there, but it seems it’s just not blowing right now and I’m just floating. I’m ready for the wind to blow again. Then my friend says, “But Andrew, you’re floating!”. He’s right (God) I’m not sinking; WE’RE not sinking. This is the time to prepare FOR the wind to come. Thank you Lord for your Love, your Life. Bring on the wind!!
” 9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10