Trying to wrap my head around Chapter 4 in 1 Peter, It’s summed up in the last verse:

19 ” Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.”

It makes sense! No healthy person wants to suffer, and to hear someone say they are willing to suffer for Christ, or are going through things and giving God glory and thanking Him for it is just weird – until you truly get it. I’ve tweaked my own personal definition of discipleship down to this: “Abandoning one’s self, for the sake of another.” If you are willing to abandon your Self (your desires, your comfort, your safe areas) for Christ, you will put yourself in harm’s way without hesitation, all for the sake of Christ. Not because its the cavalier thing to do, but because you hold to the blind knowledge (Faith) that Christ is going to bring you through ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for His glory and edification. The question is, Are you willing to abandon your self?

In John 21:15 – 17, Jesus asks Peter three times, “Do you love me?” and twice Peter answered “You know I love you” and the third time he answered “You know ALL things…” Peter’s word for love (Phileo) was not the same as Jesus’ word for love (Agape). I truly believe that Jesus was asking Peter, “Are you willing to abandon your self for me?” and Peter answered twice, “Lord, you know I like you, but…”.  To be a true disciple of Christ is to abandon your self- love Him with wreckless abandon. When you love like this, you WILL put yourself in harm’s way. You WILL suffer for Christ, but with the intimate knowledge that no matter what happens, your soul is safe, and kept by the Father’s love. Does that mean you’re weird? No. It means that you trust in God’s infinite wisdom and unfailing love!

So for the past 3 months, Robin has been going to chemotherapy every other week. We figured out the cycle of “chemo” life and the week after chemo is crap. It’s major fatigue, major mouth sores, major stomach being tied up in a huge knot and teetering on the brink of nausea. That stuff is bad enough, but  it is also the catalyst for impatience, anger, and depression. Watching someone you love suffer tends to put a huge damper on your patience. It also inspires a feeling of helplessness. This isn’t like the flu, or a cold, where you feel miserable for a few days, but then recover. This is the reality that you are going to feel like crap for the next year or more, guaranteed.  Our son (he’s 7) was riding to the store with Robin yesterday and he was excited about getting something from the store (usually a small Lego Star Wars kit). He took his mom’s hand and said, “Mom, I don’t want any toys for Christmas this year, I just want you to be alive.”  Robin and I were talking the other day and she started crying because she noticed her right arm is very similar to her left and she’s worried that the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes on her other side now. I haven’t been sleeping well at all (2 to 3 hours a night)  because this  all weighs heavy on my heart. People ask all the time, “How are you doing” and the typical response is “we’re good!”.  Honestly, I don’t tell them the truth because I don’t want to lose it and start sobbing right there in front of them. This is where we are at; this is where I’M at.

I was talking to a friend this morning and likened it to being in a sailboat on the ocean in a dead calm. I  KNOW the wind is there, but it seems it’s just not blowing right now and I’m just floating. I’m ready for the wind to blow again. Then my friend says, “But Andrew, you’re floating!”. He’s right (God) I’m not sinking; WE’RE not sinking. This is the time to prepare FOR the wind to come. Thank you Lord for your Love, your Life. Bring on the wind!!

” ⁹ And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ¹⁰ Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

So the last two weeks have been much like me riding my Kawasaki, everything is pretty much a blur. Between surgery, PET scans, MRI’s, etc. We have been running non-stop between home, school, and hospital. That was just the preface for things to come.

We are sitting in the hospital waiting on the chemo drugs to come up from pharmacy and we have several ladies from church here just chatting away. What a blessing to have them here to distract Robin. She was quite nervous driving to the hospital this morning. This is the first of 4 rounds of Adriamycin and cyclophosphamide, given every two weeks. Then comes the Taxol which will be given every week, along with Carboplatin given every 3 weeks for another 12 weeks. To complicate matters, this is accompanied by a lab work done the day before chemo, and a shot to stimulate the bone marrow the day after every chemo. So the next 20 weeks are going to be um, interesting.

I can tell you just by my limited experience, no one battles with cancer, it is a full on war! The chemo, the surgery, the radiation, the nausea medicine, the steroids, the recovery, the blood work, these are the battles within the war. God doesn’t promise us that we won’t have to fight, but He DOES protect us DURING the fight. We have the comfort of knowing that whatever happens on this ball of dirt is not the end, it is merely the beginning. It is merely a “training” class to teach us how to depend on God for our existence.

Robin woke up at 0430 this morning in order to get ready and be at the hospital at 0630 for an MRI, chest x-ray, and blood work. I stayed home to get Caleb up and off to school. After walking Caleb to school at 0810, Robin called to tell me she was finished and we met at the car dealership to drop off her vehicle to get some work done on it. We stopped at Starbucks on the way back home to just sit, enjoy a cup of coffee, and catch up on some reading and conversation.

Robin and I got a text from Caleb’s teacher around 1200; Caleb told a boy in his class that “If you want a bloody nose, I’ll give you one.” I went and picked him up and asked him why he said that and his reply was that he was having a bad day. I can understand a bad day when the day before you get told that your mom is sick and will lose her hair and that she won’t be well until next Christmas.

Robin’s resolve is no less than supernatural. She wanted to get out and mow the grass this afternoon, she even started a load of laundry. The Lord has truly given her a spirit of peace through all this.